Possibly my biggest struggle is the continual question what’s the point?

Whats the point in helping a company sell more products? Whats the point in training people to do jobs they don’t really enjoy anyway? Whats the point in getting up every day without meaning and where do we find that?

There are days when I feel like one of the X-Men… like I’m smashing life… but there are so many days when I don’t…

There’s the stigma of the mental state, there’s the stigma of success, there’s the ignorant or unimaginative, constantly pinching your ideas all over the place and still none of it makes sense…

I know I’m not alone in this and I’ve not got the monopoly on pain, but I have to say it’s there and its rife.

I just want to make a difference, to do something that actually makes a dent, but the more you delve into what you’ve access to, the more bullshit you have to wade through.

Supplying hotels with uniforms for years, I reduce their costs, improve the speed of their uniform deliveries and help them look better for less money… but they never pay on time, expect everything cheap and don’t really give a shit about me… so why bother? What’s the point?

I consult with big businesses, they love making money off the back of my work, but they rarely want to pay out and they realistically just want to bank their revenue and the catalyst is irrelevant… so what’s the point?

I could sit in the pharmaceutical sector on £100,000 a year and advise people how to sell more breast implants, paracetamol or toothpaste… but whats the point? We’re not adding value there other than to the business…

In all honesty I am always in consideration of what will become of me… but I never seem to find the answer.

It’s like being lost in the woods when you’re not quite sure what led you there, or how to find a route out of the thickets and into the glades…

Where and what is my purpose? What the fuck do I actually do that adds value to anything other than a bottom line?

My mum once said to me that you have to get a job and even if you don’t like it you knuckle down and carry on, because that’s what you have to do in life…

But that can’t be the end of things? I don’t want to wonder what could be until I’m retired and then see it too late to change.

Some people have hobbies and while I’m good at many things, I never find the time to focus on any one thing I enjoy… Some enjoy their work and I genuinely do enjoy the time I spend building brands, but nine times out of ten they’ll get someone internally to replace you, once they’ve milked you a bit, regardless of that persons ability, because it costs less and they’re subordinate.

It’s a constant venture in itself this quest for purpose and I don’t think I’ve ever been able to afford to take the time out and think.

No one really wants to listen. Everyone’s got their own issues and they get bored when they’re not talking about themselves so regardless of the topic you’ll always see people trying to loop back onto a subject that they’d rather focus on. So I don’t talk…

I live inside my own mind… a dangerous place to be for many of us…

I’m not going to jump off a bridge or kill myself, I’ve evolved beyond that mindset, but I just want to find peace in my heart and the more you push the more it eludes you. Hopefully not indefinitely but certainly daily.

At this point I need to focus, focus on what brings me joy… I need to find that peace before I ruin my son the way my father ruined me… I need to find that inspiration…

Fundamentally the best of my life was spent on stage, that’s where I most channeled the extremities of my adrenaline. But where does that leave me now?

I guess it still leaves me lost in the woods…

 

In telling my story over the last couple of years, I’ve managed to reach nearly a million people, through my writing.
Never one for being overly PC, telling it how it really is, I love saying the things that others don’t, because they fear people perception of them rather than focusing on truth… But in doing so I find that the pleasure in taking someone to task, does not outweigh the pleasure of motivating someone to change, or discover themselves…

It’s not so pleasing to right a wrong, as it is to stand in front of you and project my energy, harness my energy for every one of you…
Energy, that within me running so fast is a curse sent to cripple me as I’m overburdened by it…
But if controlled and directed… shared, it might do some good and may even change the way that you perceive the world, the way you perceive people, or the way you perceive yourself…

Everything starts with one’s self…
A decorated Navy Admiral – William McRaven said:
If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed.
If you make your bed every morning, you will have accomplished the first task of the day.
It will give you a small sense of pride, and it will encourage you to do another task, and another, and another.
And by the end of the day, that one task completed will have turned into many tasks completed.
Making your bed will also reinforce the fact that the little things in life matter.
If you can’t do the little things right, you’ll never be able to do the big things right.
And, if by chance you have a miserable day, you will come home to a bed that is made.
That you made.
And a made bed gives you encouragement that tomorrow will be better.

I believe, that if we want to change the world, we should start looking deep within ourselves and ask ourselves who we really are…

Inside all of us there are two voices – one voice that wants to uplift, a voice that wants us to expand, one voice that wants us to grow.
And then there’s the other voice – The voice that holds us back. That makes us lazy… makes us complacent. The voice that restricts us from our potential.
We all know what voice we should be following… but we don’t!

All we’re really fighting for is time…
Many of us lose the people most important to us, because we don’t value their time as much as our own.
And often, we don’t recognise how important someone is to us until they’re gone.
But the world doesn’t have to be like that, it’s a journey of discovery; it’s about evolution…

It’s not about money, houses, or cars, the capitalist dream turned nightmare, as we slave and sweat anxiety, for someone far away, sunning themselves…
It’s in our taking of time…
It’s in measuring a person by what’s inside their heart…
Each of us has our own destiny…
Defining ourselves by what we are not, is the first step that leads us to really knowing who we really are…
So, who are you?

When I have a dark day, when I lose who I am and I feel like I can’t push myself forward, I remember this…
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do. It’s not just in some of us; It’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people, permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
This mindset can shift my whole world in an instant…

I decided to focus today on motivations and discovery, because I’d recently been inspired by a speech from Tim Minchin with his 9 life lessons…
So, I felt that in reverence of Tim and my symbiotic spirit, I would share with you what I like to call an amalgamation of minds, in the hope that when you leave here today, your mind might be re-directed in the spirit of change, a shift in your motivation as a human being…

Just over 10 years ago I was stood on a train track waiting to take my own life this was on a large railway intersection near Guildford station…
But, when you stop putting pressure on yourself, when you stop judging yourself, when you stop measuring yourself against how a prescribed society defines you, then you free yourself…

When we’re born, they would have you learn, that as you grow, you must at first be taught, this happens when you first attend school and they train you how to form an opinion, but not necessarily that you have one…
We are taught how to pass our exams, what logic is right, as prescribed by our maths book…

And then onto university, where they give you a loan you’ll spend your life paying off, however rudimental the course may be…
Then you’re thrust into the world of work, fighting to clear the debt so that you can find a mate, buy a house, subsequently gaining more debt, so you must work further until you are tired and depressed and then eventually you have kids…
And when the kids come along, hoping better for them and you want to see them do things you wish you’d have done with your time if you had your chance again…
And then you grow old and you die… defined by vocation, or wealth… just before all that you’ve earned is stripped of a %, before it’s handed on…

And so it goes around, this meaning of life… until the cycle is broken by the activist within us.

We’re taught how to pout and take selfies… how to feel insignificant if we don’t achieve the right level of ‘likes’…
We’re told what foods we should eat, as long as we purchase from the leading brand…
Luckily, they teach us what to wear as well, what’s in Vogue… as they chastise us for pushing boundaries, because of our accent or our tattoos…
But this doesn’t have to be you…
I believe in the power of hope. The power of one person. A Lennon, a Dylan…
One person can change the world by giving people hope.

So, if you want to change the world, start each day with a task completed. Know that life is not fair and that you will fail often. But never, ever give up…
Through my time in the mental health space, I’ve changed more nimbly and readily, because I’ve seen others change in their own way, absorbing and thriving through their evolution…
I’ve helped people to remedy issues in themselves that resonate within me, which in turn has made me reflect on how I approach the world…
Make someone else happy and you might find you get some positive energy back in return.

Rocky Balboa said: “Let me tell you something you already know…
The world’s not all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.
Nobody, not you or me or anybody, is going to hit as hard as life. But it’s not about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward.
Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But you have got to be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you’re not where you want to be because of him, or her, or anybody! You’re better than that!”
So when you wake up tomorrow, make your bed…

Exercise, a healthy body leads to a healthy mind…
Be a teacher, pass on what you learn and inspire others…

Define yourself by what you love, not what you don’t like about the world you find yourself in…

Respect those with less power than yourself; not because you don’t know what status they may serve for you in the future, but because it’s the right thing to do, to honour everyone that crosses your path, without judgement, or preconception…

And Don’t rush. You don’t already need to know what you might do with the rest of your life.

Don’t panic.

Life is best filled by learning as much as you can about as much as you can, taking pride in whatever you’re doing, having compassion, sharing ideas, exercise, being enthusiastic…

And then there’s love and travel and wine and sex and art and kids and giving and motorbikes and mountain climbing.

And while this may just seem like another pretentious arsehole, telling you what to do, or how to think, remember, I never said I was there… I never said that I’d made it…

You are the only author of the book of your life.

All I’m saying is… if you get a chance along the way… perhaps help somebody else write theirs…

 

I haven’t written in a while…

I can’t remember the last time I did… mainly because I’m not some ‘blog tosser’ who spends every waking minute online… dunno…

But I think it’s because I’ve been living in my own head and trying to coast from positive wave, to positive wave, like a determined Grandmother hunting for an amalgamation of fluff, once a humbug, at the bottom of her purse.

It’s never positive when you realise you lost company along the way, in this battle for “life success”.

I grew up mostly as a bit of a tw*t, in the context that I was loud and brash and argumentative; but I was also in love with the idea of being connected to people, the energy, making people laugh and I thrived in any social environment, always surrounded by lots of people and in particular an odd, close knit group of misfits…

I remember John, writing his first song for Niamh with piano accompaniment. I remember Ali bleeching his hair and walking in, with his full length trench coat, his aim to look like Spike off of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, only he’d burnt the skin off the tops of his ears with peroxide… I remember Steve and Dan’s constant trigger happy TV and Harry Enfield impersonations, Julia’s caring, Duncan’s subtle and quite shyness that made him so genuine, Mark and my renegade trips to X-Men, but I really miss seeing Laura with her art folder, endless fabrics and sketches, the designer to come, wondering what colour clash she would go for tomorrow… I miss all that…

But, as I grew up I saw more of the reality, of how we live our lives as human beings…

I saw how we offer lip service, how we distance ourselves from those who make us feel socially awkward, how we avoid someone at a social/business event… the things we think think but do not say, is one of the biggest issues in our society today.

I lost those friends a while back and this stands testament to the reality of the unspoken word.  The assumptions people make about us, without the dignity to understand who we are, expecting a montage of Facebook snaps to fill in the back story… It’s those ones you lost along the way, almost unnecessarily that hurt the most.

I’m not saying I’d hang out everyone today, a number of the old crowd are dull as pants, in terms of how they see the world and not what I want in evolving my life. But there were a few that I felt a deeper connection for, that I do miss seeing grow and I will miss seeing their kids and who they are in the future. Not necessarily because we had loads in common, but in some cases just because they were beautiful people.

This loss is probably a big part of the catalyst that created that warped element of my mind today. The bit that feels lost and alone most often.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not crying into my pillow every night at the thought I don’t have any friends, I do have friends that I hold very dear. I just didn’t get to where I wanted to be; I didn’t hang on to enough of those who I started with… whether that’s because of social trends suggesting I should have an elevated end gain, in terms of what my Christmas calendar should look like, or because of my over evolved optimism for what was beneath those individuals skin in the early days, or who they are now…

The true answer could just be me… but I sense there’s a mix of issues I was too inept to understand at some point and we’re past that stage now…

I’ll never fully understand all of the mistakes I made along the way, all I know is that today, I stand alone in mind.

I watch as the annual Christmas dinner takes place again without a service for me, I see others with rafts of friends all the dads and the kids, annual ski holidays and beyond and I have to accept and know that this just wasn’t the way it went for me.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t wish there was a part of me there. I feel like I’ve disconnected from society in a sense sometimes, like I’ve seen behind the curtain; I caught mommy kissing Santa Claus… if we’re to put a festive spin on it!

The reality is, that if you are willing to shut up about indiscretions, then people will tolerate you, but if you call a spade a spade, or remain open to evolving the dynamic in a relationship, more often than not, the issue is put on you as an individual, or you’re ostracised, regardless of circumstance.

In reality, since getting kicked out of drama school and being rendered obsolete and no longer a ‘value add’ to most of that crowd either, I’ve spent the last 12 years upgrading myself…

I say “upgrade” myself over the years, because I think of it like Neo in the first Matrix, when they offered him the various skills and training uploads…

Today, I’m a martial artist, I’m a Rescue Diver, I work as a consultant for one of the biggest British brands in men’s fashion, I’m a climber, a Skier, a mountaineer, an all terrain endurance biker, a proficient horse rider, an attack/working dog decoy & handler, I’ve travelled nearly 20% of the planet and seen every reality that comes with it, but with all of the a-fore mentioned attributes there comes a certain energy, that either envelopes in wonderment, or is excluded, as the jack of all… purely because divided focus can’t be channeled apparently, if you don’t do 1 thing to death, then you’re not wasting enough time on 1 thing. God forbid we should all be expanding our horizons…

It’s the isolation we build in our mind, that stunts our development…

When we head into the festive season, we often wonder why it doesn’t feel like it did for us back then.

We can’t hold onto everything that makes us feel safe, in fact I don’t know what safe feel’s like any more to some degree, we can only hope it all end’s happy.

So I let this go and I amble on, conscious of what has been, but not restricted by it, aware of what may come, but not blinkered by it… open to today and the eyes of my son and the want for his world to be different, to flow peacefully unlike his father, to give him the freedom of calm that I’ll never quite find.

We still have the memories right?! Just savour them for what they were, without regret.

Regularly in and out of London there’s a pattern forming over years, where we distance ourselves from our true nature and saturate our mind with isolation…

Every day I see people with any manner of specialisations, in terms of blocking off that 2nd seat on the train.

Now, everyone knows that the train seats are frustratingly narrow, I’m personally 6 foot 3 with pretty broad shoulders, so to sit next to, near enough anyone, on the train, I have to do the sort of, you lean backward, I’ll lean forward approach, but we’ve lost our touch when it comes to working through diversity together.

There’s the rebel traveller, piling the bags in the foot space next to them, as if to ward you off thinking about the seat you’ve missed out on as you stand; there’s the posh traveller, now they have the same mentality as the rebel traveller, but their bags are posh and they’ve likely got a lovely little bit of hand luggage on the seat next to them… wouldn’t want you to encroach on their personal space…

There’s the canary wharf suit, with his legs so wide apart you wonder whether the tailored inside leg is going to burst at the crotch seam…

There’s the heavy reader, casually sprawling their body shape over as much of their seat and the vacant neighbouring seat as they can, while burning a hole in the back of a political biography, as they stare almost through it, emanating their want to be left in situ, alone…

There’s the newsstand lover, where their newspaper flits out to one side as they paw through it, hoping the shadow of redundant pages and faux profile of machine pressed paper might stave your mind away from parking your bottom next to them…

I mean, the list goes on!

The common trend is that there are not enough seats on the trains most of the time and in stead of grin and bear it together, we’re trying to find a sanctum, at the detriment of our fellow human being.

There’s less interaction now than there used to be, we’re all so afraid to step outside our comfort zone and be human with one another, that we leave other in discomfort in our wake… it’s almost a bi-product of our own social anxiety, that the feeling spreads and others begin to operate in the same way.

The trend in mental health is that your interaction dwindles and you reach out less and less for the connectivity we crave as children. But we must shift this gear and bring back what we’ve lost.

So I say no more, to seat blockers!! The newspapers, the laptop monopoly, the legs up, the heavy reading technique, those posh and rebel travellers with luggage galore!!

Give it up… invite those standing to be seated… offer your chairs to the ladies please gents, because there’s not enough of The Kingsman about the male populous in the country any more.

You may just make a connection, you may just hear a story, you may just sit there peacefully until your connection… but you’ll sit there together, the weight of the world is off both of you now not just the one…

If we share our space in life we share our burden and if we share our burden, even if only by being next to one another, we unconsciously support others in their day to day.

So when you next get on the train, make it known that seat next to you is available, it’s there for another, because this simple act, rarely practises it seems, could just be the catalyst to a bigger change, a wider shift in mentality…

Lets not isolate ourselves, we tread the same path…

 

The problem with a solitary mind is thus…

In living within our own sphere of understanding and acknowledgement, of issues that may befall us, we often deliver a skewed perspective on the resolution to any given number of problems.

This is where you can fall foul!

For many years now I’ve repressed my anger, depression and anxieties, for want of control and to suppress any potential aftershock effects…. that said, it’s often done more harm than good.

Once upon a time I helped a daytime TV celebrity launch her own clothing line into a major ‘ethical’ retailer and was screwed over…

Never taking either the celeb or the retailer into account for their unethical stance on where the idea was conceived (in my head by the way); and despite her agent suggesting the deal I lined up was the best deal he’d seen of this nature in the licensing industry (as he sits back getting 10% for life, for doing jack shit), you have to watch them smile away daily, or hear them playing crap tunes on the radio, while you wonder where next months rent is coming from and they rake it in without a care…

The real kicker was the press release that suggested a charity approached them with the idea and you see your role seems to have become a fiction to all but yourself, bar the insulting £1000 finders fee to keep your mouth shut and jog on…

I’ve thought about this a lot in the last few years and I definitely still feel that I was royally screwed over, I’m sure there’s loads of PR bluster, or pretext they could throw about to suggest that I wasn’t up to the job etc. but essentially, both parties were dishonest in their approach and out for their own end gain.

This is the path of the mortal however, it’s our word over the vague reality that is our upside down society.

Some might say I’m bitter; definitely early days I was, however not now, now I’m just pissed off that I did someone a major favour and I should have seen through the mask of TV foundation; misdirected by the bluster of the celebrity suggestive “you should present a documentary on how the clothing was made, because you’ve got such great energy and great presentation skills, ITV2 will love it”, blah blah… flawed by my own ego and honesty in trusting the fluff…

The fact is, it’s a lesson in life and in business. People talk rubbish when incentivised by their own financial gain and no one ever wants to pay out when the money’s in the bank, regardless of whether they’d not be there without you.

But, one day I’ll write a book and ensure the devil’s in the detail, there’s plenty more where that little anecdote come from.

The issue with having a mental health disorder, is that when you call ‘bullsh*t’ people just put in on you… and the socially indoctrinated join the fray, because it’s easier to believe that a person with a mental health issue attracts or creates trouble, rather than considering that he just might be more like The Man of La Manche in his approach to ethics…

This leading us back to the problem with our solitary minds, we need to consider if we are sharing those things that bring down the positive tone of our lives.

Don’t just smile and nod at the buying director at events like nothings happened… acknowledge the reality and enjoy a good scowl every now and then…

Why do we awkwardly accept the negative narratives in our life, for fear of social non-inclusion… screw the social…

Legal & General… great internal mental health campaign, they love sharing it everywhere and talking about how great they are to their staff, they sponsor all sorts, they line celebs pockets to champion their initiatives, but they categorically tell their agents “do not accept anyone with any kind of mental health issues for insurance”, so the initiative doesn’t translate from PR to policy for the masses, but the staff stay at the company, make more money for shareholders and on paper from a public perspective L&G look great, when they’re just not making the right moves because it’s risky on their financials…

Our lives are shrouded in this veil of falsity, there’s hundreds of examples I could give; I just don’t want to run out of future blog material in one foul swoop…

But don’t let this cloud oppress you as an individual… don’t get trapped in the cycle… we can’t solve all the wrong in the world and we can only ever call a spade a spade and stick to our guns.

The good thing is, you don’t have to remember what you said to people if you don’t fabricate it in the first place and those people will always know what they did, whether they have the intellect, or want, to establish internal guilt or not.

The world reacts to the energy we give out, so don’t live solitary in mind, project a passion and a focus and be honest with yourself. At some point, you’ll find the fit, it may not be swimming in money, it may not be on Simon Cowell’s chart list, it may not be a job role that knocks your socks off… but peace of mind can be just as valuable when you know who you really are and live it!

 

 

 

 

 

You know what… it’s been a tough few weeks of darkness for me, questioning myself, my own belief in me and how I push through another stint in turmoil…

But in the end, there’s really only one way to go.

I’ve spent 15 years trying to find that missing piece of me, times where i believed in my own legacy and times when I had no belief in anything that I was, or have become.

In many ways I’m more adaptable and decisive than I was, in other ways I still find stop gaps that hold back my mindset and keep me stuck in a loop of consideration, what is to become, what is success, what is my meaning of life… tough questions to ask yourself when your winds have changed in so many ways.

Standing now at the edge of the gun barrel, only this time I’m the bullet.

My focus now is more acute, I’ve given up waiting for the life raft and I’m swimming home, I’m swimming home faster than ever. Every ounce of my being it set upon my destination and I will do this, all be it alone.

There can be only one result in this game of endurance and I will be the victor.

Not more bullsh*t! If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed.

I’m the only one holding me back, no more time lapses, only fundamentals… Get up every day with renewed vigour and push for the present, not the end gain, I won’t be driven by my past or my future i will live in the now.

I’m not dead, I’m not debilitated and I’ve got limited excuse with my skill set at this point, for failing to deliver the future I want for my family.

“The world is dark with suffering, evil winds it’s wayward way, but brave men fight, for what is right and right will win the day!”

 

Whats frustrating is that I don’t want my blog to just be ranting at ‘the man’ but to be honest when I’m happier and positive it’s pretty difficult to find the impetus to write something…

I generally sit down when something boils my blood and if I’m too apathetic to bother, then I try and coax myself to write when I gain a bit more mojo.

The thing is… the rich mans not writing, he’s out on daddies dime and he doesn’t have the thought in mind that’s there when you have to bleed for it.

Respect is a curious thing… it’s rarely given, mostly due to spite, jealousy or suggestive insignificance.

I think I’ve been trying all my life, in some way, to find that respect. But it’s tough to respect yourself when you feel like you’re the last one convinced.

I’ve been advising FTSE 500 companies and major brands for nearly 15 years and they never do what you suggest until it’s too late anyway, so any knowledge gained that may be useful is often redundant because ‘that’s the way it’s always been done’… I very often wonder why they consider change at all in most cases…

There was a time when I felt fulfillment, too far ago to comprehend in reality, a different Thomas was running that mindset, and mostly not very well outside the office space.

That said, there was always another challenge, always another bar to be set and knocked off it’s perch.

The irony is that because I’m the only one that knows what I’ve achieved very often, I feel like I’m falling into this residual sense of self entitlement, that I should start at Everest base camp without all the dicking about every time…

It’s very hard to get past that!

I’m not past that… how do you push though it?!

My sense of calm waning when dealing with the ignorant, their smiles pasted on as if they were real, safe in the knowledge that they think I’m buying it. I’m not.

All I’ve ever really tried to do is throw my everything into whatever I do. At 15 I went for work experience in my local Tesco, thinking there’s a job in that afterwards… There was… I stacked 15 of the huge metal cages onto shelves every day for 7 days and sure enough, against the 2-3 that the average adult would do daily, I was hired back as soon as I was old enough.

The same scenario when I was chucked out of drama school for my mental health without support… I went into sales, and was doing 5 times daily what the other guys were doing…

I’ve always been milked for every ounce of of my being because I was passionate. Now I’m just fucking dry… lost in the aftermath of the guy I was. Evolving, but never fast enough for my own drivers.

Changing the world one minute and crippled by the weight of it the next.

My patience is now an empty vessel… I don’t deal with idiocy well, but who am I to define it… I’m pissed off at everyone and I don’t know why.

I think it’s because I just struggle with the ‘small talk of life’… that bullshit we do every day with our semi-auto-pilot mentality.

It’s easy to walk into a company now days and just take their money without really delivering anything to be honest… absolute walk in the park. However, when you care about what you do in any area of your work, that’s when you disrupt the status quo… and that’s how you get depressed.

Ironically the people I know who don’t really care about what they achieve day to day, they’re the happiest… I’ve spend 15 years pushing to be respected and to deliver significant change and I’m still fighting the darkness in my mind daily…

Now with anew son in my life I find myself ever questioning whether I will achieve what I set out to before he’s old enough to acknowledge it? I don’t even know what that looks like any more…

I know I need patience, I know that I don’t want to treat people in a negative way when they’re slow to catch up, but it’s extremely difficult thinking every day about a hundred different subjects that you can’t discuss with many people because they don’t have the patience, experience or speed of processing to get through it…

I can see people switch off if you test the water, you try to evolve from one element of subject matter to a couple, but that’s hard enough, try 5, 6, 7 various complex business challenges and they’re stuffed… so how do you work through that?

I’ve always been alone in mind. I don’t know what I will see in the mirror in 10 years. I hope it’s not the same guy.

Note to self: So what if you’re alone… many people are alone every day… your arms work, your legs work, you’re moaning about a fast pace mind when many have lost theirs… The man on the street in his rags doesn’t care about your mind, your money, your emotional baggage, all he wants is to forget the darkness that you both share. Start from there… no one in life deserves anything that they are not willing to achieve on their own merit and if your own merit got you somewhere once then you understand the dynamic and can do it again. Forget about the passers by if they’re not the same pace, finish the race your way, be kind and forget about the end gain because you’re missing the moment. Now before you sign off and go back to old habits, actually make some changes today… really think about how you make a shift. Einstein would have said stop trying the same thing multiple times Thomas, you know what that defines… just be you… without the negativity and go back to earning each moment of happiness, or you’ll never really value any of it anyway!

 

You know that lethargy that comes with over work… hmmmmmmmmm…….

I can barely begin to write a blog about it… I sometimes feel at the point of total burnout, operating so fast often 7 days a week – this is not cool…

It’s so difficult to process what to focus on some days.

Even now I find myself drifting off to consider how I define the road ahead, how I meet the glade; that break in the treeline, where you stare across the horizon…

I stare at my dogs from a table in the garden, rolling about together, wishing better for them, the trees and fields and endless boundaries to cross, when will that day come for them?

Is this within my grasp, should i refine what I’m doing still further and simplify my life, just to channel the energy?

Or should I push for the ultimate end gain, the greater of things… Harnessing everything I have mentally into ‘big change’ my ultimate goal being a foundation to fund and mentor entrepreneurs on ‘the spectrum’…

It seems the greater my dreams and ambitions evolve, the further I drift from my goals. Is this the vanity I chastise, or is this a culmination of all my knowledge and failure… I feel it’s the latter.

I didn’t get into running my own businesses because I knew everything would be easy, in fact it’s a miracle I’m still running my businesses, given the tribulations of recent years, but I will continue to adapt and shift nimbly as we evolve what we have created.

There’s a fervor now as I tap away and I see things more clearly.

I’m not sure what I need to do, but I am feeling more clarity, perhaps just enough of the clarity I need, to define the path to my own peace.

 

 

All my life I’ve wondered who I was…

Losing my twin brother early on, you sort of feel like someone’s stolen a part of you, perhaps Hades has my soul…

Then as you grow, you try to find yourself, you try to put yourself back together, the more you learn, the more you evolve.

A life of martial arts and motorbikes, islands and jungles, always living symbiotic within my own sphere of adrenaline, never quite finding my fit…

When they told me I had a bipolar disorder, I didn’t know what that meant for me, but let me tell you what I’ve learned…

It means I love, I cry, I care; about humanity and ethics, every ounce of my being, shaped into an existence that’s about more than just myself…

A more human level of perception, I’m about people over profits, relationships not defined by social restraints or condemnations…

When I travel in London I see colour, I see shape in architecture, I see the cobbles in the alley, the aging hipster with his handlebar moustache and turnup denims… I see the chef in his whites, in the doorway, taking in the morning catch… I see energy…

I’ve always loved clothing, the variety of style, the fabric, the cut…

Even as a teen, my friends going out in their t-shirts and myself in a waistcoat and tie to offset the jean… And now I get to help define how others perceive themselves.

I get to bestow on them the strength that I have found, in the garments they adorn themselves with; in the way they operate…

In breaking down stigma, I encourage the hospitality and retail markets, the remove the veil of their shrouded vanity and remind themselves of their own truth…

And in doing so I’ve finally found out who I really am… The Kingsman.

It feels like the culmination of 15 years in varied turmoil and drive, is coming to point of fruition, but the choices one lays out for themselves at this point are dramatically different…

When you come to that fork in the road you must either take the red pill or the blue pill… in one instance you wake up in your bed and you plod along mundane until you realise you missed it; but in the other instance, that red pill, that right fork, you find everything you’ve always wanted.

Always take the red pill my son, always run down that right fork as if to avoid a hoard of wolves at your back.

We were destined to always find our freedom and rid ourselves of the plight of mind… evolving, thoughts undulating, as they shift like the wind on a petal.

There’s no being bold, no stiff upper lip in my world, at the end of it I still fight every day to tear away the smog in my vision and push forward. To rise from my bed and to run for you.

My feet bleed and my heart aches as I try to find another way through, lungs choking the breath from my body like a giant vice…

Every negative I pay for in mind, every burden I shoulder, that I might cast it into the abyss at the end of days…

And if our playing small does not serve the world and we all must shine, then why do we struggle for our end gain, when so many are deaf?

We do this because in learning to flow through it, learning to be symbiotic within the world we live, while incubating our spirit for a new DNA, is how we shift the balance.

Wild horses never fear a man who knows himself.

And so for you my son I bleed…

“I’m overworked, with little pay, 5 years I’ve worked all 7 days,

But all that’s gone was built to last, you can’t evolve, if not from past,

And so I fight again and more, the futures knocking at my door,

I do this all, to see my son, just climbing tree’s, in fields he’s run,

And when I’m beaten down again, I summon strength, from deep within,

The force upon me day by day; he clambers over bales of hay,

As darkness it distorts my mind, he’s built a den with dogs in mind,

The sickness sometimes can’t be rid, but I must go because he hid,

And now I seek, to have forgotten, find him behind logs a’rotten,

In his face a different me, the boy who’d longed for climbing trees,

The piece that I missed all my life, that had me hanging, on a knife,

He’s now right here in front of me, his ignorance to set me free,

As led by hand and up the hill, we forge a memory of will,

And what and how and why and where, just go ahead we’ll meet you there,

You’ll find us climbing in our tree, our gaze as far as one can see,

Beyond the sun and over hills, here’s one more man without the pills,

Complete at last, this yang and ying, my life I fought in search of him,

And now I grasp his tiny hand, and coax him to become a man,

But I feel it’s worth the fight, as I lay him down at night,

So in the present he will be, when long I rest beneath our tree.”