Ideation & Living on the Ledge

My ideation surrounding the noose, the knife, the ledge and their ability to silence the trauma within me indefinitely, has been rife throughout my time on earth…

The ultimate sleep, the one to cure all ailments, remedy all woes and switch off every anxiety that was ever within me for good… seems very often like a solution to all life’s problems, but what do you learn?!

My mind writhes, shackled and exhausted by it’s plight.

But that is not my destiny!

I have seen my death in a thousand different forms, each with the desired result. But each time all I see is how selfish and egoistic that result looks from a different perspective.

On one pole I see the freedom and peace of it all, on the other I see the face of my son…

I’ve bullied myself for being too weak to take my own life, but in reality as I evolve I realise it’s so much harder to persist, to move forward and to try to evolve beyond that mindset. To throw in the towel is easy, as much as the circumstance or context might be fraught with hopelessness, pain, regret.

The focus is that in the midst of a life you can’t control, to take your own life away is actually more about you owning a direction.

But beyond that darkness, there’s something much more poignant lurking to envelope you… HOPE!

Cicero would tell you “where there is life, there is hope” and he’d be right!

You may control that final moment, the end of days, but ultimately you lose… You lose the opportunity to find the meaning behind the strife, the ability to share your experience, the ability to change a life, to save a life, and you lose the ability to grow and become more than the mess you find yourself in during those moments.

Ultimately you’re not alone and you never will be! On a planet shrouded in millions upon millions of organisms, your time is fleeting and your presence is but a micro aspect of everything that ever has been or ever will be. But that doesn’t make you insignificant.

It simply means that your not original… and that’s a good thing?

To be honest in the context it is, because we are talking about the ideation surrounding ending the life we often loathe, but that’s not an original concept. There may feel like some control via the means or direction, but in fact, rather paradoxically, you’ve just lost control and you don’t know what you’re doing at this point.

In living on the bipolar spectrum with a side order of PTSD I know all too well how the list of pro’s and con’s looks with the above topic in mind. But when I used to play Mario Brothers as a boy, when he falls down a hole, I don’t recall satisfaction, I recall how thankful I was for starting with 3 lives, so that I could have another go. Try something different…

We all make mistakes, including Mario, but the beauty of life is to try again in the hope that you might succeed on the next go round.

You’re always going to fail, you’re often going to feel guilt, there will always be days when you’re miserable and you can’t understand why everyone’s got it better than you, but they don’t…

We each have 24 hours every day!

We all have choices!

We all would rather LOVE than HATE!

Money means literally fuck all… if you’re not ok with who you are!

I recently spoke to a man, whom at 62 years old was diagnosed with Stage 4 Hodgkins Lymphoma… his wife had a friend in the same predicament who’d died within 2 months of the diagnosis, so you can imaging the anxiety in his household at the time, the fear his wife was going through and the weight on him emotionally…

Now he’s not an overbearing religious guy, but he’s a street pastor so he helps folks on the street in the early hours, to try and bring some comfort to their lives, and he said to me… “Thomas, when I got the diagnosis, I said a prayer… I said God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. And in that moment I found peace, I never went back to the doctors and I never worried about that cancer again.”

He is now 72 years old, and ten years on from that diagnosis…

In awe of his strength I asked, “hows the cancer now?”

He said “Thomas, I have no idea… I could drop dead tomorrow, who knows, but I am at peace, truly at peace, I can’t change it, so it doesn’t bother me.”

Now I primarily loathe organised religion; but if we all were to let go and seek the serenity to accept to the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference, then perhaps we’d find our way to the inevitable reality that our happiness in life…

It’s a choice, not a destination!

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