Last night I had a dream…
I rarely dream dreams that I vividly recall, but when I do, they’re either suitably strange or overwhelmingly significant in their depiction of whats within my head…
Now, whats within my head is this Pandora’s box that I think at this point I’ll spend my life trying to understand.
The outcome of the said dream, depending on it’s meaning and translation, could alter the course of my life in a number of ways forever and I think that’s what made last night so significant. I think that’s why I knew when it woke me that there’d be no more slumber, as I sat trying to contemplate what/how I should read into it.
Initially the context was obvious, maybe it still is, but the more I think about this concept the more complicated the intricacies of the dream become, every element could mean something slightly different and an action off the back of something that’s not fully understood could turn my world upside down, as I try to define the necessary course of my life from here.
I think most of what manifests as anxiety, depression, anger, confusion or drive, is born out of the repression of something within us.
For years I’ve been talking about my journey to people in the mental health space because I wanted to help people, I wanted as many people as I could muster the energy to support, to be happier, not to be like me, full of anger and regret, to live their best lives, to be the best versions of themselves. But all the while I’ve self medicated my way into process of ignorance, to some degree.
I’ve always tried to be mindful, I’ve always yearned to be whole, but I didn’t peel back the layers more than was necessary, perhaps because I was scared of the reality, of what I might find within.
Now, as a guy who’s t-total and primarily vegan, who’s Spartan and beyond, I’m finding more and more clarity daily and I’m learning more of who I am and what I want to become, but I’m also struggling to accept that arsehole that lurks within. That thing that disgusts me…
I’m a cheat, I’m a liar, I’m a fraud, I’m a fake, I’m a phoney… Or I was… Or I am… Or I was… And I’m also everything those elements are not.
I love to love people, I want people to be OK. But who the fuck am I?
As I sit here in tears, lost within the darkness of my mind I know that my future is something to be beholden and that I will find my way.
Clarity comes when you try hard enough over and over again to be better. But am I trying hard enough? Am I changing fast enough?
When I watch my son grow before me, learning new things every day I feel more and more sick that I won’t make it, that I won’t get there before he’s old enough to comprehend the father that should be, that could be… the father that’s nothing like my own was…
But irrespective of the dream that woke me one thing has become apparent. And maybe that’s the point.
I need help!
For far too long I’ve been trying to analyze where I am moving, who I am, what I want, what choices I should make and for far too long I’ve been fooling myself that I’m being as open as I should be, not necessarily just with the people around me, but with myself personally.
I really fucking want to be good. I really fucking want to be happy. I really fucking want to be real, but I’m holding onto something and it’s crippling me inside.
This outer layer of defense that befalls me, the shell, the bit that makes me want to just flail about until I’m on my own in the darkness and silence surrounds me and all of you are gone. I have to rid myself of that and try to find the truth of it all.
There’s a multi dimension to every one of us, but at the moment I’d settle for 3D.
Today I make a covenant to myself – I will seek out someone I can talk to, I will find what I’ve been fighting to find alone for far too long.
If I’m going to change for the better and to change indefinitely I need to be honest with myself at the very least and figure out how I define the end gain.
Perhaps then I may find just enough peace to exist without imploding.
So; to the psychologists, the counsellors, whatever you want to call it, I am coming for you… the hunt begins for the ear that might handle the conversation and guide me objectively.
No more than a week ago I was adamant that I’d never speak to anyone, but I think whatever happened last night has shown me that I was simply restricting myself for fear of what I might discover.
My life’s not over yet and if I truly wish to ensure that I make the most of the future then I must let go, I must allow myself to let go.
I thought things to date had been uncomfortable, I think that’s just about to reach an extreme, but at least at the end of it, whatever it all means…
…whats left will be me!