As I watch him destroy the room before me, my face burning, tears streaming down my pink cheeks, throat swollen as I struggle to breathe in the thick humidity of aggression, anxiety and volatility; I feel fear for the life of my sister, the life I know and at this point I’m far too young to even understand whats enveloping every sensibility within me…
Just one of a thousand or more instances in my life that led me to where I am now.
Once a broken soul I have spend the last 16 years of my live trying to understand who I am, my purpose, my sickening depression and the reality of the hypocrisy in the world that surrounds me daily.
When I was told I was on the bipolar spectrum I tried the prescribed remedy but within a month I’d thrown it in the bin. I’d decided that the road for me was a mental one and the prescription they dolled out without much consideration, was not one that was going to solve me it was one that would debilitate me and suppress any potential beauty within, so that I might better “fit the mould” that society had defined for me.
Those who know me for better or worse, know that this sort of thing doesn’t stick and that I’m about the absorption of every visceral element that I find in life.
I termed this blog post The Hurt Locker at it’s beginning because I used to think a lot about everything that had ever hurt me, clinging on to the past and not only the negative that had befallen me, but the negative that I’d inflicted on others as a direct correlation of my approach to life and my journey. But The Hurt Locker is just where our journey begins as individuals…
It’s as important to understand that we must be present as it is to understand that we must let the past go and move forward.
Too much of our lives are spent living in the midst of something that’s in our history, or something that we wish could be out future. This thinking just stems negativity and ill energy.
We need, as individuals, to take charge of our present and understand that we should be living in the now and that the majority of what we cling to in either the past or present, actually has a detrimental effect on where we are now. If you spend too much time thinking about missed opportunities or about how bad you had it in life, then you project that energy. If you spend too much time thinking about what you want, what you feel you deserve, where you want to be in the future, then you miss the opportunities in the present that might take you there, or worse still you get lost in the fact that you’re not there yet and you dwell on that and the cycle is endless.
This is what I mean by our individual ” Hurt Locker” where we store all the negativity and foresight, and how it’s self inflicted.
So whats the remedy?
The remedy is re-imagining the energy within you. It’s a process of remapping your mind so that you might better understand yourself, but primarily so that you might better hold the key to your own happiness.
Over years and years I’ve tried to work out why I was so sad on the depressive end of my spectrum and I’ve neglected what creates the mania or the manic states where I feel immortal, untouchable…
I’ve tried in more recent years to reflect and to harness the power of my own internal happiness, using nostalgia and calm to win at this battle we call life.
Not everything is a given, not everything has worked, I’ve been addicted to drugs, I’ve been obsessed with sex and I’ve spent numerous occasions binge drinking with just further fuelled the prior suggested issues… but finally I feel I am in a state of true happiness for the most part.
It doesn’t mean I’m financially stable, it doesn’t mean that every aspect of my life is perfect and it doesn’t mean that I’m not suffering depressive states/thoughts regularly, but it does mean that I have found a flow…
I’ve found that illusive self remedy as I call it. As opposed to the self medication I recently put myself to the test to see if I could bring a final clarity to what I was looking for.
For about 18 months I’d been working in a toxic environment (that’s a blog in itself – keep your eyes open for “The British Brand without British Values”) and I’d been losing my way in terms of the rest of my business. I just wasn’t happy and I was allowing myself to be debilitated by those who frankly weren’t worth my time or energy.
For the last 4 months of that 18 I spend my time relatively penniless but re-imagining the structure of my work and life balance, trying to define what I wanted to do, what I enjoyed and what I would do if I had the opportunity based on how far I’d come to date.
And for the last month I hit a 28 day alcohol free challenge (One Year No Beer) to top it all off, just to get myself over the line and to hammer home the importance of sobriety at this point in my life and evolution.
As you find me today I’m not cured, I will never be cured. So lets flip that off the table right now; my life was too f**ked up for too long… but what I am is happy… and that’s the key to all this mayhem.
For the most part every day I am genuinely happy.
I exercise, and not like a mortal, I exercise hard as if I was hanging off the edge of a cliff and my life depended on it! My buttocks are throbbing as we speak from the oppressive amount of squats and burpees I did 2 days ago… I do what I want! And by that I mean, I work out, I work on the sort of business activities that I enjoy, I spend time with my son being an actual father, not like my father before me; I am a front man in a rock band, I write music but can’t strum a note, I speak out for those who are not strong enough to do so for themselves funding most of that myself and I evolve.
And whats the secret… just stop giving a sh*t about what other people think of you!
Stop judging yourself based on what your friends or family have achieved, stop dragging yourself backwards because you’re not where you thought you’d be by 21, 30, 40, 50, 65 and beyond… forget all of that because it’s just a dampener on the present.
I obviously hope that people like me when I meat them, but if they don’t f*ck it… I know within that I’m a hippy, I love people more than anything else and I want everyone to be OK and I want everyone to be happy. That’s what I genuinely feel within me, regardless of whether you think that’s for the purpose of a blog or some followers I don’t care. If you know deep within your heart that you are good, then nothing can touch you. There’s a place that I used to bottle up everything that hurt me and upset me, the jealousy and the rage at those who were unworthy of success, or wealth, or status… but that’s gone now…
The Hurt Locker is not worth holding onto… It’s rigid and cold and dark and negative, it’s like an old safe from a John Wayne movie about a bank robbery and it’s set to sink you!
So open it, explore the contents, know what you’re letting go of, what you don’t want in your life and throw it off a metaphorical bridge. You don’t need it any more.
Because now within you you have something more… you have the things that define you. You have opportunity.
Every waking minute of every day is an opportunity to change someones life… you don’t have to pull someone down off a ledge, it could be those closest to you. It could be those you work with. It could be the guy at the coffee stand on your way to work.
Talk to each other! Just be human! Life’s too short to be socially anxious because we’re afraid that people might scowl or condemn. Screw those people… You might also raise a smile, lift a spirit or save a soul. Surely that latter result is worth the risk?!
To some I’m a speaker, to some I’m just a bloke writing stuff, to some I’m a tosser, to some I’m a businessman, but I’m human… I’m one of you and you are the same, so don’t write this off as some wanky philanthropic concept. Just do it! be the change that you want to see in the world, it’s not always going to pan out, but I promise you on those occasions it does, you’ll wonder why you didn’t try being human sooner!
2 thoughts on “The Hurt Locker… Self Inflicted & Self Remedied… Musings of a Bipolar Businessman…”
Fantastic! Thank you so much for sharing this, can really relate and so appreciate your rawness and honesty.
I’m pleased this resonates Rosemary. Every day is different but it’s a constant battle mentally and emotionally. Hang in there, you’re not alone!