There have been a number of times in my life where I’ve thought of nothing else but to end it.
But today is not one of those days…
There’s something extremely dark within the depths of my soul that I’ll most likely never remedy, much like Tom Hardy’s Venom, or a cancer that seems set to ensure you live just to feel it’s grip.
In previous years, trapped in my own self loathing and pity, I though it had beaten me. But it hasn’t!
I’ve wasted so much time, so much of my life thinking deeply about how hard everything I’ve faced has been and about how I deserve better.
But none of us deserve any more than anyone else.
In fact, everything that evokes heart within our lives is brought to pass because of those moments. The moments that we long for, yet always seem elusive.
The moments, that you only see when you drop the ball and stop hunting for them…
As human beings we spend most of our lives thinking about what’s befallen us in the past, and the remainder thinking about what may or may not happen in the future. But we’re not entirely present.
Thousands of years ago our memory was just about learning how to function and survive, but as we’ve evolved we’ve become more and more insecure in our own existence. The world doesn’t have to be like that.
There are people out there now with a knife or some pills in their hand and they’re wondering whats the point…. so let me tell you….
Everything about life is trauma, in some vein or another we will all suffer for a wide range of reasons, but I think I finally feel that the most beautiful bit about our fragile bodies inevitable demise, is that we each have the opportunity to make it just that little bit easier for someone else…
You’re going to die, so if you want to die, then know that it will happen anyway and your wish has always been granted. So now, as the realisation that you future will become dust, sets in, you can move forward. You can mark the day as new and find another moment, because that’s in the future regardless.
I used to punish myself emotionally for who I was, I used to feel that I wasn’t worthy of being happy because of something I said or did, but now I know that’s simply bullsh*t.
It’s ok to feel pain and it’s ok to feel worthless and it’s ok to feel you’re too fat or too thin, or that you’re not as attractive as you want to be, or that you’re job is pants… it is totally ok to feel every ounce of that because it’s real. The best bit about pain in war, is that it lets you know that you’re not dead yet, and we’re not!
We’re not dead! And if we were dead then someone would be grieving, regardless of whether we think they would or not. As our energy left our body we’d never be able to feel that energy connected to someone on the same wavelength. And in itself that’s the truest shame.
So Carpe Diem… Seize the day… the present is our only reality. You can’t change the past and there’s no way to really know where your future might end up, but trust me on this…
When you define your life by the moments that you’re in, rid yourself of what might have been, or could have been, or may just be… then you just might find that spark, you just might find, that you’re really living.
We’ll always wish for things, we’ll always regret things, but we mustn’t be burdened by that we cannot change… suck every ounce of the marrow of life out of every waking moment, know that it’s not about you and you alone, we’re here to help others fight that journey too and find their feet. If you’re not a good person then change that, or at least own it, don’t be disingenuous and patronise those who see through that veil of falsity…
In connecting with our fellow human being, we find solace from the shackles within and we not only free ourselves, we free them. And when you really think about it… is there really much point in coasting in our own vanity, when every single one of us has the ability to bring joy to another?
So if you’re on the ledge, take a step back, not forward and yes you might twist your ankle if you’re not paying attention, but the pain will let you know you’re still here and if no one ever told you you’re beautiful, then please just know that you are, and know that you’re also worth every breath you take in this life; it is our moments, that bind us, cherish them as a gift, don’t be afraid to share them, there will most likely be more to come, you just don’t need to worry about that right now.
Forget whatever negative you’re bound to and know only this: that if something in your moment feels right, then it most probably is… no one can take that away from you, but you do have a choice and that energy, that happiness you find, is always going to feel better when shared…