New Year, New You? Or, New Year, Same You, Different Focus?

Possibly my biggest struggle is the continual question what’s the point?

Whats the point in helping a company sell more products? Whats the point in training people to do jobs they don’t really enjoy anyway? Whats the point in getting up every day without meaning and where do we find that?

There are days when I feel like one of the X-Men… like I’m smashing life… but there are so many days when I don’t…

There’s the stigma of the mental state, there’s the stigma of success, there’s the ignorant or unimaginative, constantly pinching your ideas all over the place and still none of it makes sense…

I know I’m not alone in this and I’ve not got the monopoly on pain, but I have to say it’s there and its rife.

I just want to make a difference, to do something that actually makes a dent, but the more you delve into what you’ve access to, the more bullshit you have to wade through.

Supplying hotels with uniforms for years, I reduce their costs, improve the speed of their uniform deliveries and help them look better for less money… but they never pay on time, expect everything cheap and don’t really give a shit about me… so why bother? What’s the point?

I consult with big businesses, they love making money off the back of my work, but they rarely want to pay out and they realistically just want to bank their revenue and the catalyst is irrelevant… so what’s the point?

I could sit in the pharmaceutical sector on £100,000 a year and advise people how to sell more breast implants, paracetamol or toothpaste… but whats the point? We’re not adding value there other than to the business…

In all honesty I am always in consideration of what will become of me… but I never seem to find the answer.

It’s like being lost in the woods when you’re not quite sure what led you there, or how to find a route out of the thickets and into the glades…

Where and what is my purpose? What the fuck do I actually do that adds value to anything other than a bottom line?

My mum once said to me that you have to get a job and even if you don’t like it you knuckle down and carry on, because that’s what you have to do in life…

But that can’t be the end of things? I don’t want to wonder what could be until I’m retired and then see it too late to change.

Some people have hobbies and while I’m good at many things, I never find the time to focus on any one thing I enjoy… Some enjoy their work and I genuinely do enjoy the time I spend building brands, but nine times out of ten they’ll get someone internally to replace you, once they’ve milked you a bit, regardless of that persons ability, because it costs less and they’re subordinate.

It’s a constant venture in itself this quest for purpose and I don’t think I’ve ever been able to afford to take the time out and think.

No one really wants to listen. Everyone’s got their own issues and they get bored when they’re not talking about themselves so regardless of the topic you’ll always see people trying to loop back onto a subject that they’d rather focus on. So I don’t talk…

I live inside my own mind… a dangerous place to be for many of us…

I’m not going to jump off a bridge or kill myself, I’ve evolved beyond that mindset, but I just want to find peace in my heart and the more you push the more it eludes you. Hopefully not indefinitely but certainly daily.

At this point I need to focus, focus on what brings me joy… I need to find that peace before I ruin my son the way my father ruined me… I need to find that inspiration…

Fundamentally the best of my life was spent on stage, that’s where I most channeled the extremities of my adrenaline. But where does that leave me now?

I guess it still leaves me lost in the woods…

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