Whats frustrating is that I don’t want my blog to just be ranting at ‘the man’ but to be honest when I’m happier and positive it’s pretty difficult to find the impetus to write something…
I generally sit down when something boils my blood and if I’m too apathetic to bother, then I try and coax myself to write when I gain a bit more mojo.
The thing is… the rich mans not writing, he’s out on daddies dime and he doesn’t have the thought in mind that’s there when you have to bleed for it.
Respect is a curious thing… it’s rarely given, mostly due to spite, jealousy or suggestive insignificance.
I think I’ve been trying all my life, in some way, to find that respect. But it’s tough to respect yourself when you feel like you’re the last one convinced.
I’ve been advising FTSE 500 companies and major brands for nearly 15 years and they never do what you suggest until it’s too late anyway, so any knowledge gained that may be useful is often redundant because ‘that’s the way it’s always been done’… I very often wonder why they consider change at all in most cases…
There was a time when I felt fulfillment, too far ago to comprehend in reality, a different Thomas was running that mindset, and mostly not very well outside the office space.
That said, there was always another challenge, always another bar to be set and knocked off it’s perch.
The irony is that because I’m the only one that knows what I’ve achieved very often, I feel like I’m falling into this residual sense of self entitlement, that I should start at Everest base camp without all the dicking about every time…
It’s very hard to get past that!
I’m not past that… how do you push though it?!
My sense of calm waning when dealing with the ignorant, their smiles pasted on as if they were real, safe in the knowledge that they think I’m buying it. I’m not.
All I’ve ever really tried to do is throw my everything into whatever I do. At 15 I went for work experience in my local Tesco, thinking there’s a job in that afterwards… There was… I stacked 15 of the huge metal cages onto shelves every day for 7 days and sure enough, against the 2-3 that the average adult would do daily, I was hired back as soon as I was old enough.
The same scenario when I was chucked out of drama school for my mental health without support… I went into sales, and was doing 5 times daily what the other guys were doing…
I’ve always been milked for every ounce of of my being because I was passionate. Now I’m just fucking dry… lost in the aftermath of the guy I was. Evolving, but never fast enough for my own drivers.
Changing the world one minute and crippled by the weight of it the next.
My patience is now an empty vessel… I don’t deal with idiocy well, but who am I to define it… I’m pissed off at everyone and I don’t know why.
I think it’s because I just struggle with the ‘small talk of life’… that bullshit we do every day with our semi-auto-pilot mentality.
It’s easy to walk into a company now days and just take their money without really delivering anything to be honest… absolute walk in the park. However, when you care about what you do in any area of your work, that’s when you disrupt the status quo… and that’s how you get depressed.
Ironically the people I know who don’t really care about what they achieve day to day, they’re the happiest… I’ve spend 15 years pushing to be respected and to deliver significant change and I’m still fighting the darkness in my mind daily…
Now with anew son in my life I find myself ever questioning whether I will achieve what I set out to before he’s old enough to acknowledge it? I don’t even know what that looks like any more…
I know I need patience, I know that I don’t want to treat people in a negative way when they’re slow to catch up, but it’s extremely difficult thinking every day about a hundred different subjects that you can’t discuss with many people because they don’t have the patience, experience or speed of processing to get through it…
I can see people switch off if you test the water, you try to evolve from one element of subject matter to a couple, but that’s hard enough, try 5, 6, 7 various complex business challenges and they’re stuffed… so how do you work through that?
I’ve always been alone in mind. I don’t know what I will see in the mirror in 10 years. I hope it’s not the same guy.
Note to self: So what if you’re alone… many people are alone every day… your arms work, your legs work, you’re moaning about a fast pace mind when many have lost theirs… The man on the street in his rags doesn’t care about your mind, your money, your emotional baggage, all he wants is to forget the darkness that you both share. Start from there… no one in life deserves anything that they are not willing to achieve on their own merit and if your own merit got you somewhere once then you understand the dynamic and can do it again. Forget about the passers by if they’re not the same pace, finish the race your way, be kind and forget about the end gain because you’re missing the moment. Now before you sign off and go back to old habits, actually make some changes today… really think about how you make a shift. Einstein would have said stop trying the same thing multiple times Thomas, you know what that defines… just be you… without the negativity and go back to earning each moment of happiness, or you’ll never really value any of it anyway!