On the 24th June 2017 my life changed…
After a long weekend event promoting my company K9 CREW at DogFest, my fiancé suggested we stop by Boots on the way home to get a couple of pregnancy tests, as she’d not been well and wanted to be sure of what the situation was.
Now, my partner is a woman who’s pretty in tune with her body and health (ironically the opposite of me), so I took the situation seriously and did as I was told navigating a mission to Boots.
Boots was closed by the time we reached home, but after 10 minutes in a lone, glowing Tesco Express and I had the necessary.
My heart at this point is fluctuating, my entire life I’ve wanted children and there have been a few moments in the past where I’ve thought I might become a father and it’s not come about.
Anyway, on this day I got the news I’d been contemplating for years. Both, the afore mentioned required items, came out on a positive note to suggest that we were going to be having a baby.
Fast forward to date and I’ve now been through all the relevant tests etc. with my partner to establish that the baby is perfectly healthy and well. We will also be having a son… Logan Henry Bell.
When I consider the darkest of my days in life to date, I consider the emptiness that has befallen my mind and the agitated darkness I’ve come to accept will lurk from moment to moment, until I shuffle off this mortal coil…
When I consider the prospect of my son coming into the world, all I see is light, I see moments on bicycles, mountains, tree’s and snowy Polish winters learning how to ski. I see happiness and there’s a growing excitement at what he might become and I remember every fractured, disjointed memory of my early years… The holes in the doors, angry nights and fear…
Those memories are not for my son!
Those memories will fade and die with every moment he grows and thrives and lives… I can’t change what happened to me, I can’t change what I will see in my mind for the rest of my life, but I can orchestrate the lifestyle surrounding his youth and I can give him the father I never had.
There are so many regrets and moments I’ve travelled in shadow, but that ends when he arrives.
Every waking moment I will think of him until then and I will wonder what’s to be, but I won’t impress anything on him, I won’t try and forge his nature, I just want to set him free, to be free to grow and think and evolve as is right by him, without the burden of bringing up a father.
I was once a twin and my brother died, I’ve always felt half full and every male in my life has left me to fight alone, in February 2018 I become whole again. My bipolar baby journey begins and I finally feel like I can bring light into my life again where once there was just a half-cut candle…
Everything in my world is changing, I’m going to have to try and keep pace, but there’s a new driver now, where I was waning I now feel resilient again.
This is going to be the best thing that ever happened to me, it’s not about straight A’s or Doctors for me, I just want him to think for himself, to feel for other people as I have and to have a sense of inner peace, to know that his journey is only ever going to be what he makes it… As I see his life unfold I think I may finally be able to let go of my father and paint my own picture of a future for my son…
Logan Henry Bell, I love you already, I promise you that you won’t grow up knowing true fear and that anything in life you should choose to seek will be possible for you… Take your time son, I’ll see you when I see you xxx