The Mother of Lost Boys…

It’s been a while since my last blog… Not one of these self obsessed, glued to their keyboard…

I don’t know why it’s been so long but if I consider the analysis then there’s definitely been more of a void within me during the course of this year. We’re nearly half way into 2017 and where the hell did January go?!

My issue is probably based around the fact that I don’t talk, I think, I think rapidly, I think so rapidly that I can barely contemplate the thought process but it’s all being locked in. I feel anxious thinking about my future, at the moment the endless treadmill that seems so positive is destined to fizzle out if I don’t make a change at the core.

I don’t long for the flamboyancy or the vanity within the industries within which I exist I feel like Jerry Maguire when he sat up all night putting his memo together… The things we think and do not say…

I don’t really ‘say’ anything!

I sit twisted in thought and sickness within, feeling every numbing pulse of the blood as it runs through my veins, lost in translation, lost in the sickly sinews that course within us, destined to drag a bright day into the shadows…

“Once more, unto the breech dear friends, once more” before we leave the house with our painted face to the world, perhaps the Beatles said it best with the phrase in Eleanor Rigby, “wearing her face that she keeps in a jar by the door, who is it for?” Every footstep beyond the threshold must ensure that the issues lie within, there’s no-one there to catch you on a cliff edge, if your mid fails, you fall, we are the captains of our own fate. The daily smile that’s structured in to ensure stability, how long before it shatters?

The Mother of Lost Boys

I recently found out that a woman I knew for a long while had died. She was taken from us by cancer…

At 19, in around 2005, after being chucked out of drama school without any real support from within, I set out to find a job and get myself together.

And what do failed actors usually do? They work in telemarketing or telesales. So I went for a few interviews, as I’d had some experience before and I found a company called “Don’t just sit there, sell something!” Which at the time seemed like just the sort of cock sure branding that would suit my style.

The company was run by a woman like none I’d ever met at that stage in my life. She was a traveller, a listener, she was a do’er of things… Not one to sit around and wait for the world to come and sweep her off her feet, she went out and drove towards her passions as if to envelope life… She took a dead company and built it, with a room full of guys who all needed a little piece of that energy Anne exuded every day.

In some small way I felt that we all had a little piece of us missing, every guy for his different reasons, maybe home life, parents, partners, past, alcohol, drugs, we were all growing young men with mistakes to make and lessons to learn and Anne was the mother behind us, every day we hit our desks, ready to hear about our weekends, before kicking our arses to get on the phone, just the right amount of love and structure… I don’t think I would have any semblance of the freedom I have in my life now if i hadn’t had Anne in mine…

What Anne taught me, was that there were no barriers in life, if we want to achieve as individuals then we can make that happen through grit and willing. There’s no time in sales for the phone fear, there’s no time in life for the fear itself, there’s no time to let that mindset take over and ensnare you at it’s whim, we are all here to do great things and they may not be things that every common person values, but they are the things that make us great as individuals.

Anne encouraged me to travel and to see things the world over, with a safe job upon my return any time, when I left home at 18 I’d been to France and Scotland. To date I’ve now been to over 10% of the worlds countries and I’ve travelled all over Cambodia and the South of India on a motorbike, I’ve lived on a remote island, I’ve built people houses, I’ve become a rescue diver, I’ve saved 3 lives at sea, I proposed to my fiance on the top of the highest mountain in North Africa, I’ve encountered, been attacked by and killed a king cobra, I’ve been chased by elephants, been bitten by a monkey and a poisonous spider, riden horses all over the world and I’ve had a fully grown adult tiger jump out of the bushes a few metres in front of my motorbike in India, only to bound across the road and off into the wilds…

And all of this took a mindset, a mindset that was built off the back of Anne’s stories, her relationships, the countries she’d lived in, the dogs she’d rescued that were slowly accumulating into the office every day, giving me a passion for animals and their energy, teaching me what it means to feel compassionate…

All of these elements fashioned my comfort-ability as a young man, with the world around me. And if I was ever in trouble, whether that meant running me to hospital or letting me store all my worldly possessions in her offices for a week while I split up from an old partner, there was always a light there to see you through.

I didn’t have chance to say goodbye in the way in which I’d hoped, but I loved her and I will always attach a part of myself to those early days, the best of all days, the days where just anything felt possible…

So to Anne I hold my own vigil and I say this:

Rest a while,

None left to achieve, nothing there to regret,

Your passion and life and your minds energy leaves us…

But as I sit and haunt the dusk and recall the times that passed,

I feel the way through the wood, I know the path I tread,

There’s no answer to the world and what befalls us,

But without the fire inside ourselves to drive forth we are but vessels passing space and time,

I will not walk, I will run through life, as you ran,

But I will savour all I have and respect the days that evolve before me…

With your passing, bitter loss ensues,

Though rest assured I will prevail, that adventure that you nurtured and the want and belief you had in me was not wasted…

The part of you I hold close to my chest is that part that still drives me and in losing the opportunity to say goodbye, and losing you too early for words, I do all I can to pass on that spark…

Somewhere I will always hear you behind the phone. But I’ll make sure I’m the catalyst that you were.

There was a time you gave me my life… And now I intend to use it!

When I see fields of horses I’ll remember you… and I’ll know you’re there travelling on the wind with them. xxx

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