It’s good to talk… But no one really wants to listen…

I think probably the most difficult issue for me, surrounding dealing with any sort of depression, anxiety, mental well-being, is trying to establish a sustainable feeling of self worth..

When I was younger it was easier for sure… But as we grow older it becomes more increasingly difficult to go to sleep at night and feel contented with who you’ve become…

There’s a given paradox between public perception of an individual and the reality by which they live their lives.

I personally don’t feel that there’s a person on the planet I can talk to. I mean really talk to…

I’ve been to counsellors in the past but they’re generally affluent, theoretical practitioners, who wouldn’t know a rough day if it hit them in the face. Dishing out open ended questions hoping that you’ll cry and go home and refer them…

Unfortunately that’s not the way it works.

The difficulty is that I can barely be honest with myself. I certainly can’t spill my gut’s to the n’th degree over a blog or through a facebook status… We are each trapped in the conundrum of public perception…

Running your own business is a difficult thing in itself. it’s difficult on your finances, it restricts your lifestyle and affects your relationship; not to mention if you suddenly let everyone into the darkness you face… What then? Maybe some people support but that doesn’t pay the rent and if you don’t have mummy and daddy to wrap you up in cotton wool or bank notes then it’s a pretty tough gig.

Generally what happens when you’re open is that some people are really nice and some people just screw you over… And to maintain momentum, business growth etc. you need to stick on your stiff upper lip and play friend to the world if you want people to invest in what you do…

When you feel so worthless, when you feel you’ve lost your wind, when you feel like the list of people who respect you is dwindling and those who remain would probably kick you to the curb if they knew what you went through outside the public eye then it’s a pretty dark place to be sitting.

In all honesty I don’t know what the answer is… I guess that I believed in writing it would flood out but it’s trapped… And I won’t be the only one, I feel sick to think there could be even one other person out there who feels this way, but I know there are many and I wish there was a remedy.

I was born of twins but my brother died at birth and I think all my life I’ve know I was only half the picture… Probably why I have always tried to be better than others in whatever I do, swimming, martial arts, sales, they all came easy and the 2nd place candidates were always way behind. But there was never anything to fill that void.

I think it’s an unlikely and unexplored emptiness that comes with that history. It’s like a constant hunger to fill the void within, but there’s always space left; a struggle for breath while climbing and there’s never quite enough oxygen to suffice.

I’m sort of at that point where I feel a bit self-absorbed to be always considering my emotional state when I fight with my partner or have a crap day. Is it an arrogant consideration to focus immediately on how you feel and how dark that is, when what I probably should be thinking is how do I effect others and is that proactive or a negative?

We all have something within that consists of self preservation at the forefront. But at what stage do you become a martyr?

And if you hit that stage, then how do you get help and how do you achieve solace or find that pleasure in life?

I refer back to my favourite poem at this stage as I’m ‘lost in translation’

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Easier said than done…

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